It makes sense that the one thing that could shake me out of my writer's block would be Eric.

Eric's lately found and old friend on Facebook. Tja has been friends with him for years...since his wild partying days. They have history....they have stories...they have a great friendship. They've been chatting non-stop for the last week. He went hiking with her at Staircase on Saturday while I went to Seafair with Kelly.

I could like this girl. She's open, friendly, engaging, funny and honest.

And every time I tell myself that this woman isn't a threat to us I remember a few things:

Eric and I weren't exactly in forever mode before Greysen came along. In fact, we'd never made a decision much more future minded than whose house we were staying at for the weekend. I'd only met his dad twice and never met his mother. I'd only met his sister a few times and probably never would have met Nathan if Eric hadn't lived with him.

Plus, he's had MONTHS to propose...and hasn't. We have to get married in order to live with his mother. So we have to at least put on the front. And really, the only reason we're ACTUALLY getting married is because...well...I hate lying. And I'm not good at it. So...Eric's not marrying me because he wants to...he's marrying me because the situation demands it.

I know that he's happy. I work very hard to see that he is so. and logically, he has no reason not to be. I'm supportive, understanding, he has a nice, long leash (I'm riding the bus home for the next two days so he can go to Seahawks practice with his brother and he went hiking, two hours away, outside of cell range, with another woman this weekend). I can't think of any reason for him to be discontent and I've done all I can to give him an environment where he feels comfortable saying something if he is.

In short, I've given this everything I have. I've been the best girlfriend I know how to be.

And I'm still sitting here, wondering why he doesn't want to marry me. Apparently, there's just some little...something...missing.

I've spent the last week being threatened by a woman who, under any other circumstances, I would probably be awesome friends with. Wanna hear my final conclusion??

You can have him, Tja. Because he obviously doesn't want to marry me. And, really, as much as I love him (and my GOD do I love that boy...) I'm frustrated at all the time I've been wasting, worrying about whether or not I should be worried. I'm done. I'm over it. At the end of teh day, I know that I gave Eric every single fucking thing I have. Every tear, every inch of worry, every shred of understanding and support. I held NOTHING back from that man. And if it's not enough then he SHOULD go where he can be happy and be with someone he can't wait to propose to. If I'm not that girl...it's going to suck. It's going to hurt like none other for a while.

But I'll survive. I'll continue to breathe without him. I'm still loved, I'm still cherished...I'm still me. I'll have my friends, my career and my son. And I'm okay with that...because if Eric doesn't recognize how valuable I am...I know. And someday...someone else will, too. There's no way they couldn't.