I am addicted to logic and reason. I reach for rational thinking like a desperate junky reaches for a needle. I feel myself relaxing the exact same way as objectivity starts to flow through my consciousness like heroine through a vein. It feeds me, this impericism. The rules, the order, the understanding...they are vital for me to continue to find a psychological center.

I find myself frustrated beyond all reason, today. I am dealing with legal matters on behalf of my one and only. I don't mind doing this for him because, as I've stated many times...I take care of the big things, he takes care of the small ones. I am not good at remembering to hang up my bath towels or putting the cap on the toothpaste. Eric is. And he lovingly does all of these things without reproach. Along with helping me through dizzy spells, being endlessly patient when I make him late (which I do often...and HE HATES BEING LATE!) and laughing instead of screaming when I dump lotion all over the car floorboard (which I TOTALLY did this morning...UUUURRRRGGGGHHH!) I, for my part, deal with legal matters, doctor's appointments, bills, budgeting and remembering birthdays and such.

Eric, like all of us, made dumb mistakes when he was younger. It didn't help that a vicious, vindictive ex-wife decided she was going to make him pay for every blessed thing she could. She took a young man of less than 22 and pasted him to the wall financially and made it impossible for him to see his children at all.

I am having issues because, quite frankly, it is impossible for me to find objectivity in this. It took a metaphorical act of God for me to settle down and find something more important to me than my career and my own inner musings. Eric was that act of God. Objectively, he is a perfect compliment to my mercurial, complicated mind. We love each other deeply and passionately, without reservations or conditions and that is apparent in everything we do. I hurt more than I'd ever have thought possible on his behalf. And looking back at how unfairly he was treated, how guilty he still feels over what transpired with the twins when they were born and watching his hesitant, tenative steps to have a relationship with them now (when usually he's sooo confidant and self assured!) breaks my heart in ways I don't even have words for.

I don't know how to handle this. I'm desperately grasping for the handhold of reason. I've done everything I can think of. I've supported his time with his children wholeheartedly. I've tried to walk that fine line of being involved without intruding. I want his kids to know that they are welcome additions to mine and Grey's lives because they make thier father happy...and all I want in this life is his happiness. I'm calling attorneys to attempt to restructure the child support and parenting plans so that they aren't so damned one sided and I'll do whatever is necessary to convince anyone I have to that, yes, he may have made mistakes once...but who he is NOW was indelibly shaped by them...and he'll never, ever make them again. My husband to be is a good man. And he should not have to pay for his youthful mistakes forever. Every pennance should have its end.

"I cannot do the God-like things I would like. If I have learned nothing else, I have learned this." ~Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (paraphrased)

Please, all of my friends, angels and higher powers...help me to learn this thoroughly...so I can let go of some of my sadness for a little while.