Staring into the Distance

As Eric and I were sitting at dinner last night I realized that, after (or perhaps while) I'm shaping my current novel, I am also going to be saving all of my board posts and blogs to help me shape a book about PPD when (and if) I finally get thru this period in my life.

Eric has been remarkably supportive during this time. I have no idea how I got so lucky but his continued presence in my life cements my belief in balance, order and karma. If going through a shitty, traumatic childhood is what I needed to do to earn this man, I'd do it all over and would be just fine. In fact, I'd happily go thru much worse.

Between the tax return, getting the car fixed and two doctor bills paid, we were feeling pretty high spirited. We went to Costco and Jimmy Macs...and this morning, I'm a little panicked. We deserved a treat but we're also determined to not let our savings fall below a certain point. We've decided to treat our savings similar to a revolving credit account. We'll pay certain bills out of it, then replace the money a little each check. The catch: we didn't pay the car payment out of this last check which means we have a HUGE chunk coming out of our next check.

The panic, unfortunately, leads me to overanalyze EVERYTHING. A tedious, mind draining process that leaves me exhausted, fractious and tired. It's time to break out my mottos, again. EMBRACE, RISK, TRUST, BE OKAY. Just saying them makes me feel a little calmer. Meditating on them while watching the ducks swim on the ship canal may be in order, today.

In these moments, I feel like my rational half is soothing my emotional half like a mother with a small child. I posted comments on ivillage message boards earlier this week about the way that I feel. I've gotten a couple of wonderful, warm and very reassuring responses. It helps, talking to other mothers who've had the same insane, uncontrollable issues that I have. As I stated to Eric in bed the other night...this isn't fun. I'd change it, if I could...in a heartbeat! And I can't help the craziness I put him through. I love this man more than life. My entire EXISTANCE is dedicated to making him happy. But the emotional swings I take...I really, genuinely can not control them or, right now, the way that I react to them.

I have to give myself credit for reaching out. For asking for help. For doing what I can to educate myself and make this situation better. I am not allowing myself to be a victim to this. I am fighting back. And I deserve to feel proud of myself for that. And feeling proud of myself is a step I'm not sure I could have taken a week ago. Lets hear it for progress.

Cautiously Okay

With Depression, I've learnd that it's vital to take each HOUR one at a time...let alone each day. As Mary pointed out last night, just because you feel fine, now, doesn't mean that things can't change on a dime. This creates an environment where you have to CONSCIOUSLY make a decision to calm yourself down and be okay. Last night was all right. We watched Zombieland. HILARIOUSLY funny comedy with Woody Harrelson. Plus...as one can imagine from the title...IT HAS ZOMBIES! HELLO! That's pretty much all one needs to know in order to watch the film.

Today, I'm clinging to my resolve to be more positive. Yesterday, I wrote EMBRACE, RISK, BE OK and TRUST on my left hand. It was (and continues to be) a small reminder for me to do these things. I've noticed that my depression stems directly from my own issues with self worth and self esteem. I don't understand how anyone can love me because I don't find myself to have value. Until this perception changes, I have to take refuge in reason. When Eric tells me he loves me, then I need to beleive that he's not just telling me what I want to hear...he's telling me the truth. And if he wasn't, he wouldn't be with me. So I need to EMBRACE what he gives me, RISK my feelings by TRUSTING him and BE OKAY with those decisions. If I can concentrate on each of these four key things, I find that I usually do fine.

Of course, it doesn't hurt that we've got my tax return here already...so we are okay as far as money is concerned for the first time in a while. Takes a HUGE amount of pressure off.

Depression Kills

Quagmire. Mud. Clinging, Sucking, life draining clay that sticks to your skin of your mind. Scrubbing with facts and rational thinking doesn't really work because the mud taints that, too. Colors it and changes it until you can't tell whats shiny and bright and pure from what really is just mud. Anything can be camouflaged in toxic colors. And you're aware that the taint spreads. It effects everything...love, friendship, productivity. pretty soon, mud is all you see. Splashed on the walls of your home, poisoning the sweet, clear blue/grey eyes of the men who love you. Tiny handprints smeared on the windows of your soul...handprints that completely block out the view to the inside. All there is is the guilt of knowing that you caused this. You're poison and you don't even have the strength to walk away from the people you're hurting. Because doing so would be the final act for you and you're not ready to die.