Staring into the Distance

As Eric and I were sitting at dinner last night I realized that, after (or perhaps while) I'm shaping my current novel, I am also going to be saving all of my board posts and blogs to help me shape a book about PPD when (and if) I finally get thru this period in my life.

Eric has been remarkably supportive during this time. I have no idea how I got so lucky but his continued presence in my life cements my belief in balance, order and karma. If going through a shitty, traumatic childhood is what I needed to do to earn this man, I'd do it all over and would be just fine. In fact, I'd happily go thru much worse.

Between the tax return, getting the car fixed and two doctor bills paid, we were feeling pretty high spirited. We went to Costco and Jimmy Macs...and this morning, I'm a little panicked. We deserved a treat but we're also determined to not let our savings fall below a certain point. We've decided to treat our savings similar to a revolving credit account. We'll pay certain bills out of it, then replace the money a little each check. The catch: we didn't pay the car payment out of this last check which means we have a HUGE chunk coming out of our next check.

The panic, unfortunately, leads me to overanalyze EVERYTHING. A tedious, mind draining process that leaves me exhausted, fractious and tired. It's time to break out my mottos, again. EMBRACE, RISK, TRUST, BE OKAY. Just saying them makes me feel a little calmer. Meditating on them while watching the ducks swim on the ship canal may be in order, today.

In these moments, I feel like my rational half is soothing my emotional half like a mother with a small child. I posted comments on ivillage message boards earlier this week about the way that I feel. I've gotten a couple of wonderful, warm and very reassuring responses. It helps, talking to other mothers who've had the same insane, uncontrollable issues that I have. As I stated to Eric in bed the other night...this isn't fun. I'd change it, if I could...in a heartbeat! And I can't help the craziness I put him through. I love this man more than life. My entire EXISTANCE is dedicated to making him happy. But the emotional swings I take...I really, genuinely can not control them or, right now, the way that I react to them.

I have to give myself credit for reaching out. For asking for help. For doing what I can to educate myself and make this situation better. I am not allowing myself to be a victim to this. I am fighting back. And I deserve to feel proud of myself for that. And feeling proud of myself is a step I'm not sure I could have taken a week ago. Lets hear it for progress.

Cautiously Okay

With Depression, I've learnd that it's vital to take each HOUR one at a time...let alone each day. As Mary pointed out last night, just because you feel fine, now, doesn't mean that things can't change on a dime. This creates an environment where you have to CONSCIOUSLY make a decision to calm yourself down and be okay. Last night was all right. We watched Zombieland. HILARIOUSLY funny comedy with Woody Harrelson. Plus...as one can imagine from the title...IT HAS ZOMBIES! HELLO! That's pretty much all one needs to know in order to watch the film.

Today, I'm clinging to my resolve to be more positive. Yesterday, I wrote EMBRACE, RISK, BE OK and TRUST on my left hand. It was (and continues to be) a small reminder for me to do these things. I've noticed that my depression stems directly from my own issues with self worth and self esteem. I don't understand how anyone can love me because I don't find myself to have value. Until this perception changes, I have to take refuge in reason. When Eric tells me he loves me, then I need to beleive that he's not just telling me what I want to hear...he's telling me the truth. And if he wasn't, he wouldn't be with me. So I need to EMBRACE what he gives me, RISK my feelings by TRUSTING him and BE OKAY with those decisions. If I can concentrate on each of these four key things, I find that I usually do fine.

Of course, it doesn't hurt that we've got my tax return here already...so we are okay as far as money is concerned for the first time in a while. Takes a HUGE amount of pressure off.

Depression Kills

Quagmire. Mud. Clinging, Sucking, life draining clay that sticks to your skin of your mind. Scrubbing with facts and rational thinking doesn't really work because the mud taints that, too. Colors it and changes it until you can't tell whats shiny and bright and pure from what really is just mud. Anything can be camouflaged in toxic colors. And you're aware that the taint spreads. It effects everything...love, friendship, productivity. pretty soon, mud is all you see. Splashed on the walls of your home, poisoning the sweet, clear blue/grey eyes of the men who love you. Tiny handprints smeared on the windows of your soul...handprints that completely block out the view to the inside. All there is is the guilt of knowing that you caused this. You're poison and you don't even have the strength to walk away from the people you're hurting. Because doing so would be the final act for you and you're not ready to die.

Yoga and Breathing

So tonight marked the beginning of mine and Eric's foray into Yoga. I've always been a big proponent of the exercise form. It's quiet in my head when I do Yoga. I'm so busy concentrating on breathing and balancing that I either quiet my thoughts or fall on my face.

Here's to a night of not falling completely on my face. I've earned a repreive. Time to rehydrate and crawl my exhausted ass into bed.

Tomorrow's goals: no soda, 45 ounces of water and time for balance.

Lofty Goals

It's been far too long since I've dusted off my keyboard and taken my thoughts in hand. Characteristically, I think it's because I didn't have them all lined up and figured out. And the thoughts that I've struggled with since Greysen has been born are ones that are deeply moving but changeable, intense and frustratingly un-quantifiable.

It is scientifically proven that a sure way to shake off depression is to start something new. A new hobby, learn a language, etc. Depression is clinically shown to be the result of neural pathways not connecting the way that they should. Serotonin isn't always received by your receptors the way that it is supposed to be. This is, of course, a gross over-simplification but it works to illustrate my point: when you learn something new, it reprograms your pathways--thus staving off depression.

Eric and I have been having issues for the first time in our relationship. And I say the first time because, every time I've been neurotic about us before, it's been just me. We don't fight. Ever. Except that now we do. Three people crammed into one small room in a home that we are grateful for...but does not in any way allow us to be ourselves. We embrace a lifestyle that is not seen as acceptable or valid by Eric's mother. I don't believe in God. We embrace a life of balance and harmony and order that is based, at it's core, on a deep respect and connection with nature. We support Obama's politics, his healthcare reform (including a public option!) and the legalization of Marijuana. I believe in woman's right to choose, a homosexual couples right to civil liberties and marriage and I don't think prayer has any place in a state institution...especially in schools.

Do you see why I'm less than comfortable in Eric's mother's right wing, christian household? Peggy has been nothing but generous and gracious...but my living there is like a pit bull living in a home full of cats. We strike a tenable peace for the greater good...but you know there's friction there just because, fundamentally, we will never see eye to eye. This is pushed a little closer to the breaking point by the fact that my son's world will be shaped by SOMEONE'S views...and I'd really rather they be mine.

As you can imagine, this wears on Eric and I daily. However, we are taking this challenge in hand and doing something about it. We have developed ProjectSmith09. Eric wants to cook and I want to support him. The result: we are cooking our way through a Julia Child's cookbook ala' Julie and Julia (the movie, incidentally, was cute but forgettable...except for Streep's portrayal of Childs. She's brilliant, as she always is, and I find myself a little more in love with her ability every time I watch her!) We are blogging about it on ProjectSmith09.blogger.com.

I'm grateful for any opportunity to return to Eric the love, trust and support that I receive from him daily in pursuit of my own career. He genuinely understands the passion I have for what I do and just how much it really means to me. Pushing him to expand his culinary skill is a small price to pay for what I receive from him on a constant basis. We've also decided to exercise together and I, personally, have a goal to spend more "fun" time with him.

All of these goals, however, are leaving me feeling a little daunted and exhausted. Especially because I'm making them directly after being sick with Kidney Stones AND E. Coli. My body is still recovering, which makes me feel like I have both a fresh start...and a lower than normal battery level. Taking care of and being kind to myself are things I really need to concentrate on doing...and I'm hoping that I can find a way to integrate that into what I'm doing with Eric.

So I'm brushing off this blog (so that my thoughts, uninterrupted, undeterred and unfiltered) still have an outlet as I take on this adventure. The stakes are much, much higher, this time around. Grey is here. He's watching everythign we do. And how can we ever encourage our son to take on his dreams if we aren't willing to take on our own in some way? And the things I've set out to do are specifically targeted to make mine and Eric's relationship stronger...again, something that is deeply impacting on my son and MUST NOT FAIL.

To much pressure...I need a nap.