Staring into the Distance

As Eric and I were sitting at dinner last night I realized that, after (or perhaps while) I'm shaping my current novel, I am also going to be saving all of my board posts and blogs to help me shape a book about PPD when (and if) I finally get thru this period in my life.

Eric has been remarkably supportive during this time. I have no idea how I got so lucky but his continued presence in my life cements my belief in balance, order and karma. If going through a shitty, traumatic childhood is what I needed to do to earn this man, I'd do it all over and would be just fine. In fact, I'd happily go thru much worse.

Between the tax return, getting the car fixed and two doctor bills paid, we were feeling pretty high spirited. We went to Costco and Jimmy Macs...and this morning, I'm a little panicked. We deserved a treat but we're also determined to not let our savings fall below a certain point. We've decided to treat our savings similar to a revolving credit account. We'll pay certain bills out of it, then replace the money a little each check. The catch: we didn't pay the car payment out of this last check which means we have a HUGE chunk coming out of our next check.

The panic, unfortunately, leads me to overanalyze EVERYTHING. A tedious, mind draining process that leaves me exhausted, fractious and tired. It's time to break out my mottos, again. EMBRACE, RISK, TRUST, BE OKAY. Just saying them makes me feel a little calmer. Meditating on them while watching the ducks swim on the ship canal may be in order, today.

In these moments, I feel like my rational half is soothing my emotional half like a mother with a small child. I posted comments on ivillage message boards earlier this week about the way that I feel. I've gotten a couple of wonderful, warm and very reassuring responses. It helps, talking to other mothers who've had the same insane, uncontrollable issues that I have. As I stated to Eric in bed the other night...this isn't fun. I'd change it, if I could...in a heartbeat! And I can't help the craziness I put him through. I love this man more than life. My entire EXISTANCE is dedicated to making him happy. But the emotional swings I take...I really, genuinely can not control them or, right now, the way that I react to them.

I have to give myself credit for reaching out. For asking for help. For doing what I can to educate myself and make this situation better. I am not allowing myself to be a victim to this. I am fighting back. And I deserve to feel proud of myself for that. And feeling proud of myself is a step I'm not sure I could have taken a week ago. Lets hear it for progress.